The Best of 2018 – The Mixtape

The Best of 2018: The Mixtape

By: Christian Hagen

2018 was the worst year of my life.

This was even before a series of personal setbacks punctuated every struggle I’d been facing mentally and physically and lay bare just how fragile my life could be. I’m not the first to express this sentiment, but it bears repeating: In 2018, time ground to minutes from days and to days from months. It was the shortest, longest year I can remember, when nothing happened and everything changed. The stress of existing from day to day numbed us to the observances of calendars and newspapers and clocks and the future. A timeline of the year’s news would stretch for a mile, but could be summarized in a paragraph.

And then October came, and my life unraveled. It’s kind of breathtaking to think of how much happened to me in 2018, and yet when I walk around, I feel like I’ve been stuck in neutral the entire time.

I stuck to this project, though. For 12 months, give or take weeks of anxiety and inactivity, I set about the task of creating this playlist.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE that, much like my Best of 2017 playlist, THIS HAS BEEN CAREFULLY CURATED TO BE LISTENED TO IN ORDER.

    It may at times feel disjointed, incongruous, abrupt, or uncomfortable. Several transitions might be confusing. Some stretches could be exhausting. This is by design. This is my 2018, in musical form. From political dread to personal strife, anger, love, loss, inspiration, depression, it’s all here. I guess I could describe this as a sadness sandwich: Political sadness up top, personal sadness at the end, but with some fun in the middle.

Like last year, I’ve broken it down into digestible chunks, which you can read about below. Since the runtime of this list is 6 hours and 47 minutes, I doubt anyone will have the time or interest to stick with the whole thing in one sitting. Hopefully these smaller mixes will better fit your schedules.

I hope you enjoy this playlist. Or at least I hope you understand it. Because 2018 was the worst year of my life, and this is the best way I know to explain it.

LISTEN TO THE PLAYLIST ON SPOTIFY

EVERYTHING IS FINE

1. “Everything’s Still Fine [ft. Nick Offerman]” – Jean Grae / Quelle Chris
2. “This Is America” – Childish Gambino
3. “Marrow” – Polica / s t a r g a z e
4. “The Kids Are Alright” – Chloe x Halle
5. “All the Stars [ft. SZA]” – Kendrick Lamar
6. “My Queen is Harriet Tubman” – Sons of Kemet
7. “Blue Rose” – Amen Dunes
8. “Ministry of Alienation” – Unknown Mortal Orchestra
9. “Geyser” – Mitski
10. “Wounded Egos” – Gaz Coombes

• The socio-political landscape of the past year has been one crushing blow after another to the rule of law, the tenets of democracy, and to any hope for the future of our planet. While this is demoralizing in so many ways, it’s important to remember that many of us are still fighting, still trying to make a difference. This whole playlist represents so many highs and lows, and I wanted the opening to reflect that, with an eye on the world and its struggles and its potentials.

 

RAISE A GLASS TO THE FUTURE AND THE PAST

1. “Jasper’s Theme” – Tony Molina
2. “New Year’s Eve” – American Pleasure Club / Teen Suicide
3. “Percy Faith” – Damien Jurado
4. “Dry Heat/Nice Town” – Cheekface
5. “Goodnight Europe” – Amber Arcades
6. “Afraid of the Dark” – Lindi Ortega
7. “Ellis Eye” – Chilly Gonzales
8. “Hot For the Mountain” – Natalie Prass
9. “Warning Bell” – Joan As Police Woman
10. “Tir Ha Mor” – Gwenno

• There’s a tug-of-war between reverence and irreverence in this section. From the earnestness of “Jasper’s Theme” and “Percy Faith” to the sardonic bite of “Dry Heat/Nice Town” and “Goodnight Europe,” the constant mood shifts I (and probably a lot of others) felt this year became a defining trait of 2018. Find joy where you can, lament when you can’t, and laugh when you don’t feel like searching.

 

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT

1. “Velvet 4 Sale” – U.S. Girls
2. “Nont For Sale” – Sudan Archives
3. “Opener” – Hookworms
4. “Donna” – Rubblebucket
5. “Disco!” – The Bad Man
6. “Out of My Head” – CHVRCHES / Wednesday Campanella
7. “Soleil de volt” – Baloji
8. “Le ma monte chwal mwen” – Melissa Laveaux
9. “Wish” – Anna Calvi

• Special shout-out to The Bad Man, who provided the theme song to my podcast Contextual Deviants, which got off the ground this year. What can I really say about this section? Have fun. Don’t think about it too hard. Just groove.

 

I’M HAVING AN UNSHAKEABLE NIGHTMARE

1. “Agnes Martin” – Screaming Females
2. “Being Alive” – Frankie Cosmos
3. “Maraschino-Red Dress $8.99 At Goodwill” – Ezra Furman
4. “Terrorism! (The Isis Crisis)” – L.A. Salami
5. “Almost Had to Start A Fight/In and Out of Patience” – Parquet Courts
6. “Jeremy” – Muncie Girls
7. “SIRENS | Z1RENZ [ft. JID]” – Denzel Curry
8. “Emigre” – Alela Diane

• Or maybe don’t. I can’t count the number of times when fun was poisoned by the leaking drip of memory. One minute, I’m in a party. Then drip, I remember something from the news, drip, there was another mass shooting, drip, I think of who isn’t there with me. It takes so little to push that happiness into a spiral of crisis. Add in a restless energy, and that crisis can turn into an almost manic anger, punching the walls, until I run out of steam, and I just lay my head down and mourn for the people who have it so much worse than I.

 

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA STEP AWAY

1. “WEIGHT” – Brockhampton
2. “SADE IN THE 90s” – Qveen Herby
3. “I Do [ft. SZA]” – Cardi B
4. “Kevin’s Heart” – J. Cole
5. “Cakewalk” – Awkwafina
6. “Captain Crunch” – CZARFACE / MF DOOM
7. “1677” – Catrin Finch / Seckou Keita

• I don’t mean for it to sound like everything is always bleak. Self-esteem and swagger can be fleeting, but it can feel so good to lean into it for a while when it does return. Just don’t let it overwhelm you. Revel in your strength, but rest when your strength gives out.

 

TRANSFORMED INTO BEAST FORM

1. “The Rover” – Interpol
2. “Shape of My Hands” – illuminati hotties
3. “Backslidin’” – Speedy Ortiz
4. “Your Dog” – Soccer Mommy
5. “Future Me Hates Me” – The Beths
6. “Dream State” – Son Lux
7. “Hard Piano [ft. Rick Ross]” – Pusha T
8. “Creep” – Goat Girl
9. “Uncomfortable Teenager” – Phantastic Ferniture
10. “Concrete” – Shame
11. “Tiied [ft. 6LACK / Ella Mai]” – JID
12. “Okay” – Alison Wonderland

• To be honest, I just like the way these songs fit together. Not really much of a theme for this one, sort of just a continuation of the complex back-and-forth mood swings of everyday. Which in a way is its own commentary on 2018: Every day felt the same, though each day was filled with its own consequences.

 

TILL QUEENDOM COME

1. “Sea Dragon [ft. Mario Camarena]” – covet
2. “Queendom” – AURORA
3. “Stone Mountain” – St. Beauty
4. “Bite the Hand” – boygenius
5. “Come Together” – The Internet
6. “Django Jane” – Janelle Monae
7. “Halls of Sarah” – Neko Case
8. “Woman” – Cat Power / Lana Del Rey
9. “Ace [ft. Smino / Saba]” – Noname
10. “Let It Bleed” – Neighbor Lady
11. “Not For Me” – Forth Wanderers
12. “Freak Out” – Miya Follick
13. “City Looks Pretty” – Courtney Barnett
14. “Heat Wave” – Snail Mail

• The Year of the Woman. Feminists are pissed off and taking righteous action. There are more women in Congress than ever before. “Intersectionality” is a concept that has reached into nearly every level of our public discourse, and diversity is seeing a new dawn. Say what you will about our political moment (and there’s a lot to say), if there’s any reason for hope, it can be found in strong women from all backgrounds who are fighting to make the world a better place, even as they face discrimination and patriarchal obstruction at every turn. For me, this is the most inspiring section of this playlist. Savor it.

 

YOU’RE NOT GONNA GET WHAT YOU NEED

1. “Cartoons” – cupcakKe
2. “Honey” – Robyn
3. “Tints [ft. Kendrick Lamar]” – Anderson .Paak
4. “Consensual Seduction [ft. Corinne Bailey Rae]” – Mick Jenkins
5. “Better Without You [ft. Pusha T / KALLITECHNIS]” – Innanet James
6. “Hey Up There [ft. Ty Dolla $ign]” – Buddy
7. “Saturn [ft. Kwabs]” – Nao
8. “Delphine” – Kadhja Bonet
9. “Blue Vapor” – Marissa Nadler
10. “Self Care” – Mac Miller
11. “I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)” – The 1975
12. “Hymnostic” – Big Red Machine
13. “The Truth, The Glow, The Fall” – Anna von Hausswolff

• If there’s any stretch of this playlist which epitomizes the decay of bliss into sorrow, this is it. This is a continuum, and the inflection point on which it shifts comes from Kadhja Bonet’s heartbreaking, otherworldly “Delphine.” I struggled to find a place for it on this playlist, knowing it was worthy of inclusion but also knowing that it’s so unlike anything else included it would certainly stand out. Then I considered this run of tracks, and I realized what it felt like for me in the moment I was listening to it: That leaking drip of memory (see above). “Delphine” is poison in the blood. Setting it in the center of this section is the closest I can come to explaining the feeling of having a good time, then struggling against the pull of something horrible in my heart, before finally collapsing into depression. Sometimes, no amount of self-care or uplifting art can draw me back out. I just have to hope that it will dissolve in my sleep.

 

THERE’S NO TOMORROW [MY DIVORCE]

1. “Love Like There’s No Tomorrow” – The War and Treaty
2. “How Simple” – Hop Along
3. “Romance” – Ex:Re
4. “Again” – Empress Of
5. “Batshit” – Campdogzz
6. “Doubt” – Charlotte Day Wilson
7. “Holy Water” – Now, Now
8. “Weight” – Kathryn Joseph
9. “Yours & Mine” – Lucy Dacus
10. “My Friend the Forest” – Nils Frahm

• My marriage ended this year. It was amicable, truthfully, a mutual decision based on our future plans and how we saw our lives progressing. We realized we wanted different things, and pretending we didn’t was making us unhappy. So we ended it. And I think this was the right decision. We still talk. We still share a dog. I think we’re going to be alright. But divorce isn’t an easy decision. And the holes it leaves behind don’t appear right away. In the days immediately after the final conversation, I was disappointed, but oddly relaxed. I felt like I’d made a healthy choice for me and for her and in due time everything would be better.

But things are never so simple, especially my heart. I’m still very much in transition, like I’m driving across the country and I’m still stuck in the car. With sufficient noise, I can think about the good times we had and feel glad that they happened. In quiet moments, those same memories feel like they’re taunting me for what I’ve lost. In the end, I still believe we did the right thing. These songs may sound melancholy, the lyrics might not capture the thoughts in my head perfectly, but every feeling I’ve had since the day we decided to split up is here in one way or another.

And Ajia, if you’re reading this, I really am okay. It’s been hard, and, as these songs can attest, my feelings can shift dramatically from day to day. But I’m happy we had what we had, and I believe we’ll each find something new, and when we’re both settled and content, we’ll look back on this time as a great shift into better lives.

 

STILL GOT TIME TO LEARN

1. “Slow Burn” – Kacey Musgraves
2. “Once In My Life” – The Decemberists
3. “Ride” – Valley Queen
4. “Paper Man” – Ray Lamontagne
5. “Dive” – Beach House
6. “Love and Light” – Lotic
7. “PROM / KING” – Saba
8. “River [ft. Anna Wise]” – Jean Grae / Quelle Chris

• I don’t think I’ve ever been fully myself. Not yet, at least. I think there’s always been a part of me waiting to find out who I am supposed to be. That’s not a sad thought. It’s encouraging. It means my mistakes are still formative. It means I can still grow and change. It means I’m not set in stone, and of the infinite possible lives I could lead, none are fixed and done, and all are still open to me. 2018 was the worst year of my life so far. That’s not to say there won’t be worse years to come. But I’m lucky. Many people don’t have the luxury of finding themselves, don’t have the support needed to truly be who they want to be. The world doesn’t always let us choose. Life isn’t always in our control. What opportunities I have been given I take with the knowledge that I didn’t get them on my own. The ending of this playlist is somber, even mournful. But it’s also the end. There will be another playlist for another year, and it will start on a new note. I look forward to hearing it.